“For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”–Romans 5:7-8
“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?”–Romans 8:31-32
A story never told
Some time ago, a good friend and brother in Christ of mine shared a story that seemed ordinary yet profound to me. We were reading Scriptures about prayer, and he chuckled as he recalled something that took place a few decades ago.
“I never really shared this with anyone,” he paused for a moment, and then continued, “When I was a child, I used to pray really hard for selfish stuff. And God would answer me, and that motivated me to seek Him more.”
He said he knew there was God, but he didn’t really know Him. Even Jesus was a vague idea to him at that time. The only occasion that he may have learned what prayer was like is when his mom taught him the Lord’s prayer. Yet as a young child, God put in him the desire to seek Him.
“I remember one time I prayed to God that this girl in school would like me, and He answered me! She just started to talk differently to me. And I knew in my spirit that this was a miracle…it must have been God.” He said, while I felt a little uncomfortable with the conclusion.
“You’re saying God gave you what your flesh desired? How could that be?” I asked, feeling glad that we were close enough to address genuine questions.
“Well, I believe sometimes God answers prayers like this out of His grace,” he shrugged, “and there were also many times that I asked for similar things, and He didn’t answer. Looking back now, I know God was protecting me.”
“But I don’t get it…why would He answer your prayer for that girl to be interested in you? Did that help your relationship with God in any way? I’m sure she wasn’t a Christian.”
“Maybe God granted it so that I may know all these pursuits are vanity,” he said, seemingly a little surprised by the distress I showed, “and it’s a long time ago. That was before I truly came to faith.”
The story did unsettle me for some while even after our conversation. I sought to prove to him that it couldn’t have been God that answered his prayer. How could God respond to a carnal request? Doesn’t the Bible say, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” (James 4:3)? Meanwhile, I became aware that the emotions that were emerging didn’t seem that simple. There were wounds behind them. Finally, when I was able to calm down and pray a little bit, a voice that cried “Unfair!” arose in me. And I began to weep.
My pursuits of love
I remember vividly how I was always seeking love. Like my friend, I was misguided by the world to believe that a romantic relationship was what I needed to feel satisfied. And as a young girl, I started to have crushes on boys. “Would he like me too?” was what I constantly held in my heart, a question that lingered in my mind, and of which nobody else should know. I hid it very well. Nevertheless, I became very self-conscious because of these secrets in my heart. Did he see me? What did I look like before him just now? Did he notice me? Would he ever like me back?
No boys or guys that I was romantically interested in ever showed any trace of having the same feelings. I was attracted by them secretly, and I withdrew secretly. The feelings, the fantasies, and the dreams of receiving love…were then buried in deeper parts of my heart. I felt embarrassed to even think about them to myself. Stupid. Foolish. Awkward. Ridiculous. These were what I murmured to myself when I occasionally thought of these pursuits I had in the past, how I sought to talk to the boy or guy I liked, wanting to be in the same group with him in science class, secretly finding out and remembering his birthday, and even using a pseudo name to write letters to him…And I also attempted to sculpt myself as a smart, talented, humorous and courageous girl. Not too sensitive or easily hurt. Yet to my disappointment, I failed pretty thoroughly. My feelings never found their counterpart, and in reality I was quite a negative person suffering from timidity and depression.
After coming to faith at the age of 20, I was even more sure that since all these pursuits were done in ignorance and did not please God, He must have despised the me in the past. Of course God despised the past me. After all, there is nothing good in my flesh, isn’t it? Now I’m pleasing to God because of Jesus His Son. If I occasionally sinned just as I did when I was living in darkness, I was sure God would turn His face away from me and despise me again. I need to make sure that I get back on the right track very soon.
And that is why I felt shocked and hurt to hear my friend’s not-so-standard testimony. And the Holy Spirit opened my heart to something new. I never knew God loved me this much, that even when I resisted Him and sinned against Him, He did not hate me as I thought, but had such compassion on me, and eventually led me to know Him. He didn’t even degrade me as I did to myself. Jesus didn’t call me names; He called me His lost sheep and went out to seek me. He never wasted a second to comment on how bad this sheep had been. He loved me and gave Himself for me before I knew anything.
And I was in awe. I knew God was merciful. I knew He was gracious. But I never knew He was so merciful and gracious. I wept and wept and prayed over every memory of me feeling rejected and shamed by the voice in my head, and asked God to redeem me from there. Every frustration, every feeling of worthlessness and foolishness…I pleaded with God to rescue me and redeem me. And He did, gently and mightily setting me free in my tears, until real peace and joy emerged. At the end of my prayer, feeling very much relieved, I smiled.
And I know this time, I have found my true love.