“You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”-James 4:4
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.”-Philippians 3:7
My home with my family
When I first came to faith at age 20, I had a zeal to follow Christ. I had tasted the Lord’s goodness and wanted to go further with Him. What I didn’t know at that time was that there was a deep fear in me that kept me bound by the devil, and I could not follow the Lord with all my heart. I was afraid that if I let go of my hands and forsook what I used to rely on, I would fall. I didn’t know that’s exactly what is necessary to do to trust in the Lord. It was pretty scary to me at that time, just to think of leaving all I knew and was familiar with behind. And so I was stuck in a very bad place, often striving to find peace but failing to enter the Sabbath rest that the Lord promised. I was in college back then, and usually came home in the evening. And this was what usually happened: before opening the door, I could hear the penetrating TV noise. My grandpa was watching TV in the living room and my grandma was preparing for dinner. I always hated the noise; I could neither relax while eating nor concentrate on praying and reading the Bible after dinner. Yet at the same time, I felt so pressured every time just to tell my grandpa to turn down the volume. It was his home, not mine.
The devil told me through my grandparents and my father (who was not even home, but in a casino abroad) that because I was living in their home, I had to abide by their ways. “Who gave you this apartment to live in? Who bought all this food and prepared meals for you? Who paid all the bills? Get clear who is the boss!” the devil said through them. I was so intimidated by the lies and yielded to them, as if I truly ought to be their slave. I was afraid and indeed did not have the knowledge to say, “No, I’m gonna live for the Lord and do what He says. I did NOT wrong you at all by living here and being supported by you, for I was born into this family by the will of God. I am my Father’s child, and I’m gonna do what pleases Him.”
Endless anxiety
I yielded to the lies and false accusations they made against me. I got the permission to stay with them but it cost me dearly. I didn’t dare to insist on what was right when it might provoke them. I was afraid to be homeless. How could I complete my college degree? And without completing it, how could I find a job to provide for myself? Where should I go? I had never left this home or my family in my life.
I often sought to find a place to stay outside of my home because of the noise, or sometimes because of fearing there may be noise. I had have bad anxiety issue at that time. I went to my university library and roamed about on campus, but couldn’t find a single place to rest. I was afraid and annoyed everywhere. Other people in the library distracted me and I couldn’t pray with my voice. In the outdoor areas, I was afraid that people would see me or hear me pouring out my heart to God and think me weird. Wherever I went, my anxiety followed me. I didn’t know those whom I relied on and were deeply connected with, namely, my family members, were my enemies. I didn’t know God loved me through all these, and it was the commitment I had to my family that kept me under a curse. I thought God hated me and my heart was broken. Finally, out of His great mercy and love, the Lord severed me from this toxic family two years later, somewhat similar to how He grabbed Lot and rescued him from destruction because he himself had no power to run away from it. My parents got a divorce, and I moved away with my mom.
My home with my mom
It took me some painful time to recognize the whole world is in enmity with God, and I should have no fellowship with it. Because that included everything I had ever known: friends I made from preschool to college; “knowledge” taught in school; and my family. Even Christians I knew could be a snare of the devil––I mean Christians who are not wholeheartedly seeking the Lord. They would provide seemingly reasonable advice on career and life which could draw me further away from the Lord. My mom was a Christian, and before I learned to cut off the ties that kept me bound to her, I could not wholly follow the Lord. There was a limit to how far I could go. Weird things just happened. One time I started to use my laptop to type prayers at night, and she just got an idea that I should turn off my light to save some energy. Or when I dedicated my weekends to prayer and reading the Bible, suddenly there were many non-urgent chores she would want me to do. She tried to kick me out of our apartment when I was in grad school because I was neither making money nor abiding by her endless chores rules (doesn’t this sound familiar?) She said to me, “Frankly, you are a useless person.” And when I finally graduated (thank God…it was such a torment with her abusive words), got a job, and was trying hard to put most of my free time into seeking God, she told me I should do some part-time with my free time, for my salary was too low.
I learned to distinguish good advice from wrong ones only after I understood that I had to put God first. That’s it. Priorities matter. I think the devil loves to use “Christians” to confuse or mess up with the priorities of the people of God, to keep them from truly worshipping and serving the Lord. I am so thankful that the Lord did not give me up but led me out of confusion and also my own sins. Timidity is a sin. Compromise is a sin. Yet I couldn’t break off from these chains until I renounced and cut off the fellowship I had with my mom. It was very painful, for now I indeed felt like I was all alone. When God separated me from my dad’s family, I felt the excruciating pain of loneliness already (even though they bullied me). At that time I thought I at least have my mom. But now I realized I was at a crossroads again: I had to choose Him or my mom. The right option is obvious. Of course I had to choose Him. Yet I must admit out of my weaknesses and sinfulness, I neither chose God nor my mom. I chose a Christian friend that I was romantically attracted to and started to pour out my heart to him.
My home with my friend
And this went on for two years until I was finally able to confess to God that I was making my home with this guy mentally, not with Him. When I was facing my daily life alone, instead of abiding in God by meditating on His word and praying to Him, a lot of times I sought to keep this guy’s presence with me by texting him. Ironically, most of the time I texted him to ask for prayers––oh how deceptive is our sinful nature. There is nothing wrong with praying for one another and bearing one another’s burden, but I had exalted him in my life more than God. Indeed, I wasn’t unaware of this situation in these two years. I actually repented for idolizing him countless times. I knew it also wasn’t the Lord’s time for me to develop a romantic relationship with anyone due to some promise I made to the Lord, but I was unwilling to lay down my feelings for him because of the fear of losing him. Finally, after two years, I repented to the Lord and confessed to Him that the romantic feelings I kept for this guy were not proper, since we were not in a relationship and neither were we moving that way. And I’m sorry. I deceived myself into thinking that I couldn’t control my feelings, but indeed it was just part of my flesh that needed to be crucified.
My home with God
From that time on, the Lord has been teaching me how to truly depend on Him and walk with Him. It is a huge relief that I no longer strive with the sin of idolizing my friend, and now I’m learning how to set the Lord always before me, not anyone or anything else. Now I have begun to understand God’s strength and power. Anxiety used to follow me when I was afraid of putting the Lord first. Now His peace follows me and I believe any place to which He leads me can be a place of prayer and worship.
To be honest, it is still a lonesome road, but now that’s not that much of a problem for me anymore. I have indeed started to know how God is my exceeding joy, and I am eager to renounce everything to follow Him.